The rosemary has received a second letter

The HOA sent a letter on Tuesday regarding what they described as "unauthorized vegetation" in our front yard, which is to say: the rosemary bush, which has been in that location since before we bought the house in 2017, and which the previous owners presumably also received letters about, and which the HOA board presumably has an entire file folder on by now. The letter was signed by Patricia. It is always signed by Patricia. Patricia and I have a relationship.

I do not mean that warmly.

This is the second letter. The first letter was in September. The first letter identified the rosemary as "possibly invasive" and requested that we "consider the aesthetic continuity of the neighborhood." I did not respond to the first letter, because the first letter did not require a response, and because responding to Patricia is a commitment I was not prepared to make at that point in my life.

The second letter is different. The second letter includes a form. The form asks me to indicate, by checking a box, whether I intend to "remove the identified vegetation" or to "contest the identification." I have read this form six times. I have not yet checked a box. Rohit has suggested, gently, that I should check a box. I have told him I am thinking about it.

Rohit's uncle — who for purposes of this column I will continue to call Uncle, because his actual name has become, over the course of eight years, a kind of sacred object in our household that I am not prepared to invoke in print — saw me reading the letter and asked what it was. I told him. He said, and I am quoting, "This is what happens in a country without strong leadership." I asked him what kind of leadership would resolve the rosemary situation. He said "Modi." I said "Modi would come to my house about the rosemary." He said "Modi would not need to. The rosemary would know."

I have been thinking about this exchange for three days.

Gary, meanwhile, has a new thing with his left eye. The vet — Dr. Pham, to whom we now pay what I can only describe as a retainer — says it is "not not glaucoma," which is the kind of sentence that used to alarm me and now simply enters my body and finds its place among the other sentences. I am 38. I am not not developing what I suspect is the same eye thing. We are going to the vet Thursday. I am going to the eye doctor in April. The appointments were scheduled in the same week and I have been unable to shake the sensation that Gary and I are now in a kind of loose confederation against the slow erosion of our shared biological situation. I mentioned this to Rohit. Rohit said "please do not write about this." I said "Rohit, I have to. There's nothing else."

It is 10:40 in the morning and I have had one and a half glasses of a pinot grigio that I would describe as fine.

Back to the rosemary.

The rosemary is, depending on which part of the rosemary we are discussing, somewhere between four and six feet tall. It is, botanically, Salvia rosmarinus, and it is not invasive — it is a Mediterranean culinary herb that has been cultivated on this continent since the Spanish arrived, which I know because I looked it up after the first letter. The bush is healthy. It flowers in the spring. I use it on chicken. It is, by any reasonable standard, a point of modest aesthetic pride, and I have been watering it since 2017 with what I can only call commitment.

Patricia does not agree.

Patricia, who I should mention lives three houses down and who I have never seen water her own azaleas, has determined that the rosemary is in violation of Section 4.2(b) of the HOA covenant, which governs what the covenant calls "ornamental landscaping" and what Patricia has decided to interpret more narrowly than any prior HOA president. Patricia became HOA president in March. Since March, I am aware of fourteen letters she has sent, including two that were about the same rosemary.

I know this because Dale knows this.

Dale is the MAGA neighbor three doors down. Dale and I have, through a process I am still working out, arrived at a kind of understanding. Dale does not like Patricia. Dale does not like Patricia because Patricia sent Dale a letter in April regarding his flag, which is an American flag, and which he flies twenty-four hours a day from a pole he installed himself in 2021. Patricia's letter indicated that the flag was "in violation of the covenant" regarding "unauthorized permanent structures." Dale's response to this letter was, per Dale's own account, "unprintable." Since then, Dale has been keeping what he calls "a list." Dale told me about the list when he brought over a bag of tomatoes from his garden last month, and when I asked whether he would share the list with me, he said, "When it matters." I have been thinking about this as well.

The MAGA neighbor four doors down — who is, I should note, a separate MAGA neighbor, not Dale, the two of them are not friends — has not written to me about the rosemary because he does not know I exist. The MAGA neighbor four doors down does not leave his house. I have seen him exactly twice in six years. Rohit maintains that this is our best-case neighbor scenario and I am, at this stage in my life, prepared to agree.

The Korean church that meets in the elementary school on Sundays has invited me to their fall potluck. This is, I think, the third year in a row they have invited me. I have never gone. I am going this year. I have decided this while writing this paragraph.

Back to the rosemary.

I am going to check the box that says "contest the identification." I am going to attach a short letter explaining that Salvia rosmarinus is not invasive, is not unauthorized, and has been on our property for longer than Patricia has lived in this subdivision. I am going to include a photograph of the rosemary in flower, which I took in April, because the rosemary in flower is one of the most beautiful things in our yard, and because I have come to believe that Patricia has never, in her life, actually looked at it.

Rohit thinks this is a mistake. Rohit thinks I should just remove the rosemary. Rohit thinks that the path of least resistance is available to me and I am choosing not to take it.

I am not going to remove the rosemary.

I have thought about this, and I want to be clear about why. It is not about the rosemary. It is about Patricia. It is about the fact that, in a year in which the world has surfaced, at my doorstep, more threats to the integrity of my life than I can reasonably catalog, Patricia has determined that the one she can affect is a Mediterranean herb that I have watered since before she owned her current house. I am not going to give her that.

Rohit has accepted this. Rohit has also asked that I please try to not escalate. I have agreed, conditionally.

Uncle has been briefed on the decision. Uncle said, and I am again quoting, "Good." He said nothing else. He did not mention Modi. I am taking this as a significant endorsement.

Gary is going to the vet on Thursday. I am going to the eye doctor in April. The rosemary is going to stay. The Korean church potluck is on October 19. I am going to bring something. I have not decided what.

It is now 11:05. I am going to go water the rosemary.